Moving on...

maggieatlast.blogspot.com

Utah 2010

Way back when, we planned a family vacation to visit KC & Jodi and Tim & Barbara in Utah.  I would come from FL and Mom, Dad, Katie and Tom would come from CT.  Tickets were booked and plans were being made.  After Mom died we decided that we should still do it.  She would want us to.  It would be good for all of us to be together again. 

So we did.  And it was good.  Really good.

We stayed in places with amazing views

and spent some good quality time together

We went on many hikes through the beautiful mountains

 
And stayed at a quaint little cabin…

 
that looked out over this. 

   
We spent hours around the campfire before bed 


And woke up to these guys drinking from the river

 
We found our family name

 
In more than one place

 
And hiked to one of Mom’s favorite places 


Where we laughed…
and cried…
and told her how much we missed her

  
It was beautiful
And exactly what my heart and soul needed

Struggling...

It's been five weeks since my world was shattered. I've woken up every Friday since then remembering the phone call that changed my life. It was 6:01am and through his own sobs, I heard my father say "Honey, you have to come home. It's Mom. She died." I don't remember anything else he said. I hung up the phone and it was as if time had stopped. Am I still sleeping? Did I just dream that? This can't be real. I just spoke to her a few days ago. I was just with her two weeks ago and she was fine. We celebrated Beth's birthday, we danced, we laughed, we have a million pictures to prove it. She was happy. She was fine. And now she's gone.

She was everything to our family and to so many others. Over 500 people attended her memorial service. I heard the most amazing stories about her. Things she did for so many others. How she always took the time to listen and lend a hand. To give a hug when someone needed one. How she and my Dad always had an open door in their home. How they gave to those less fortunate than us. I always knew she was amazing. I had no idea that so many others knew it too.

Mom and I spent countless hours talking, shopping and planning for "our" baby from China. She was so excited to become a Nana. She was my biggest supporter and would tell me how she was always praying for me and for Maggie. How can I do this without her? How can I become a Mom without my amazing Mom by my side? How will I know what to do? I'm so afraid to do this without her.

I'm so sad. I can't sleep. My heart hurts. I miss her so much.

Heartbroken...

6/25/1942 - 5/28/2010

Beloved wife to Chris
Amazing mother to Suzie, Tom, KC, Katie and Tim

My beautiful and amazing mother unexpectedly left this world two weeks ago today.

We are devastated. Our hearts are broken.

Our mother, without a doubt, was an angel on Earth. She was kind and caring, loving and compassionate, generous and trustworthy, plus she was just a whole lot of fun to be around. She was crazy about our family, and she never missed an opportunity to tell any of us how much she loved us. She always kissed us hello, she kissed us goodbye, she kissed us goodnight, and she never got off the phone or left the house without an “I love you.” With parents like ours, we have never known what it is like to not be surrounded by love.

My life is forever changed

For the better because she was my mom

For the worst because she is gone

{un} Happy Mother's Day

So here we are...five years after I made the decision to go forward with an adoption and I am still not a mom. Five Mother's Day's have come and gone. Five long years of waiting. And hoping. And wishing. And dreaming. And nothing has changed. And you want to know what really sucks? It's almost definitely not my last Mother's Day of not being a mom. I'm so tired of hoping that things will pick up and that the C2A2 will start referring more days - and then they don't. And it breaks my heart. Every.Single.Time.

I'm tired of being sad. To be a mom is what I've always wanted more than anything in this world. It shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't take this long. It shouldn't hurt this much. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to cry anymore because of the aching in my heart. I just want to be a mom. That's not too much to ask, right?

I woke up sad and feeling sorry for myself this morning. And I had a good cry. And then I thought about my mom and how awesome she is. And how she has ALWAYS been supportive of me and the decisions that I have made. I thought about all the times she put her children before herself. All the things that she probably hated doing but did anyway. The sacrifices she made. The constant source of support and love no matter what. And it made me smile. I am so lucky to have such an amazing mom and I hope to be just like her when my time finally comes.

Maybe I'm not so unhappy after all :o)

Busy, Busy, Busy!!

Wow - the last few weeks have been so busy!

February started out with a lot of traveling for work. I was out of the office 3-4 days a week visiting all of our locations throughout Florida. As much as I enjoy getting out of the office, playing catch up sucks :o) I'm the last man standing in my department so it's keeping me real busy.

I've been having a blast with my new camera!! I.LOVE.IT!!! I have no idea what I'm doing, or what most of the buttons, etc. mean, but I'm having fun experimenting with everything. I've taken a few basic classes and had a one-on-one with the instructor but I still have so much to learn.

Dad arrived in mid-February for his annual "boys spring break". He comes down every year for baseball spring training year and we did a lot of fun things while he was here...

We saw the Yankees vs Pirates

We saw our first Polo match

We spent some time at the beach for the drum circle


My brother KC came from Utah for a long weekend
and couldn't believe we had to bundle up for a Florida sunset!

Saturday, March 6th was our friend Adam's 5th anniversary in heaven. We started the day by having brunch at one of his favorite Florida beach bars.

We finished with a basketball game between the
USF Bulls and Adam's favorite UConn Huskies
We met up with KC and Adam's friend Scott
who brought along Adam's memorial card.
It's was almost like he was there with us.

Saturday morning at the market. Do they ever grow up???

And just because he is so stinkin cute....

Dad and his friends are gone. Things are quiet. And Duke is so sad that he has to stay home alone during the day :(

Time to clean the house, change the bed sheets and get ready for my next round of company!
My next guests will be here on Saturday. Aunt Beth, Uncle Joe and Liam!!
Can't wait to spend some time with my favorite six year old!

Exactly one year ago I received the worst phone call of my life. My 36 year old sister had a stroke and was in the hospital. I am happy to say that exactly one year later she is completely recovered, back to work and healthy as can be! It still amazes me to think of all that she went through - a stroke, brain surgery, loss of vision - and that today she is perfectly fine. She endured so much during the surgery and recovery and I admire her for being so strong. So many people were praying for her and those prayers were answered! Amen, Amen, Amen!!!!!